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Can't Find My Place in the World

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I’ve always felt at odds with the world. I’ve never felt like I belong anywhere. I’ve never found my footing or my call in life. As far back as I can remember I’ve never felt comfortable with who I am. I can never feel truly happy or relaxed. I would love to wake up tomorrow as someone else, someone who's confident and intelligent. There are days when I hate myself so much. I never feel good enough.

I’ve watched my friends graduate from university, start careers and find partners. I went to uni but dropped out because it didn’t feel right. I remember watching other students enjoying themselves, but I felt like shit to the point that I locked myself in my room for two days before asking my dad to pick me up. I did some travelling after I’d left, but I still couldn’t feel happy or relaxed.

I feel lost. I don’t know what I want to do in life or where I want to go. It’s ok to feel like that in your teens and early 20s, but it's worrying now that I'm in my early 30s. Over the last four years, several family members have passed away. It feels like I'm running out of time. I know my grandma was disappointed that I hadn't got myself sorted out before she died. I wish I knew what I want to do. It would have been nice if it was as easy as going to university, graduating, finding a job and settling down with a partner. Millions of young people do that every year, so I don't know why I'm finding it hard to navigate my way through life.

A few months ago someone asked me what I want to do with my life, but I sat there in silence unable to answer. I haven’t got a fucking clue. In all honesty, I don’t see myself with a good job, a house and a family. I don’t see myself living a normal life. I feel no excitement for the future. My parents are worried and other people have written me off as a no-hoper. Maybe I’m just destined to be one of those fuck ups that every family has. You know, these people that life trips up and they spend their entire life falling over.

I have days when I think about ending my life. Sometimes the feelings are strong and other times I can ignore them. I’ve been battling depression and low self-esteem for a few years now and have let it get the best of me. Looking back, I was struggling with depression and low self-esteem in high school but didn't seek help until I was in my 20s.

I hit 32 this year and need to sort my life out. I have nothing to show for the last five years. I have done nothing with my life. I don’t even feel like me anymore. I look at pictures from when I was 21 and it's like I’m looking at a stranger. I know people change a lot from their early 20s to early 30s, but I just don’t recognise myself anymore.

I sometimes think about going back to university to try and build a life for myself. If I do go back, I will have to move somewhere else in the country where I can do the course. I can’t help but think that I’m a too old to be moving to university with people in their teens and early 20s. It’s like being the oldest kid at summer camp. I just feel a bit sad that old friends and most of the people I know did it years ago.

The other thing I’m worried about is graduating. I know that's years off yet, but I can’t help but think that employers are going to be put off hiring me because of my age. After all, I’m going to be competing with people in their early 20s. I doubt many employers would employ a 37-year-old at graduate level when they can employ someone who is 21 or 22. I’m going to be 15 years behind everyone else. Usually, people have worked their way up in their careers by 35 and aren't starting out at the bottom. The other thing is regarding getting a mortgage. If I manage to get a good job after graduating, I’m probably not going to be able to get a mortgage until I’m in my 40s. I’m going to be paying it off until I'm in my 70s or 80s. I can’t help but think that I’ve fucked things up irreversibly.

This post is longer than I expected, I apologise. I think Christmas is making me feel even more melancholic. My doctor put my mood down to the seasons. He said it's the cold weather that's making me feel like shit. I’m not sure he believes how bad I sometimes feel. I think I've reached a point where I need to do something. I doubt I will be sat here next year if I can't figure things out. I'm not sure what I'm expecting by posting this. I guess I needed to get if off my chest, but it would be nice to hear from people who have been in the same boat or still are.

Thank you for reading.

Merry Christmas.

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